You just couldn’t help yourself, could you WWE?
After giving us the best Royal Rumble in years, as well as a post-Rumble RAW that wasn’t awful, you had to go and ruin all that good work with this week’s SmackDown.
Did you think I wouldn’t notice?
Did you think I would still be high enough on last weekend’s PPV to let it slide?
What you did on Friday night was a crime against wrestling and I am going to take great pleasure in calling you out on it from the get-go.
So let’s lace up our boots and head to the ring to give WWE SmackDown the kicking it deserves.
Vince McMahon Bull-Honky Alert #1
Straight off the bat, there is no way in a camel’s eye am I calling this week’s show “Super SmackDown”.
You might be willing to take the blood money of a country whose attitude towards women is prehistoric while having quite the loose moral ground when it comes to brutally murdering anyone who doesn’t agree with their regime, but I don’t work for you so you can go f*ck yourselves.
And now I’ve gotten that out of my system let’s move onto the second part of my bad mood.
Goddamn Dog Food.
If Big Vinny Mac wasn’t sat in Gorilla laughing himself stupid while yelling about this being “Comedy Gold!!!” then I’m the Queen of Sheba.
This had his stench all over it.
“What we’ll do is we’ll have Reigns and The Usos provoke Corbin and his boys so much that they agree to a Loser Eats Dog Food match as our Main Event!!! The fans will love it!!”
Seriously, someone in the back needs to grow some stones and tell The Geriatric Jackhammer f*cking no when he comes up with this kind of sh*t.
Also, didn’t a PPV used to signify the end of a feud?
Reigns and Corbin went to war at the Royal Rumble, with Roman emerging victorious, so why the hell are they still fighting?
Michael Cole said on commentary that this should be the final bout between these six men and even though I hope and pray it is, I seriously doubt it.
Fatal Four Way #1 Contender’s Match For The SmackDown Tag Team Titles: Heavy Machinery vs. The Revival vs. The Miz and John Morrison vs. Lucha House Party
You’ve got to feel for The Revival.
It’s blatantly obvious that the WWE has no interest in them as they weren’t even given an introduction this week.
Instead, they were already in the ring along with the Lucha House Party as the two other teams made their way out.
And if you’re being given the Lucha House Party treatment, then perhaps it’s time to seek pastures new.
Which is a shame, as along with Heavy Machinery, Miz and Morrison, and the House Party they put on a brilliant match and one that almost, almost, made me feel optimistic for the rest of SmackDown.
Then I remembered, dog food.
Anyway, there was only ever going to be one outcome here and that was The A-Lister and The Shaman of Sexy getting the 1-2-3, setting up the Tag-Team title Bout that I’d already predicted, kind of, over the past couple of weeks.
Cause I’m just that damn good.
Winners And New #1 Contenders For The SmackDown Tag Team Titles: The Miz And John Morrison
#1 Contenders Match For The Women’s Tag Team Titles: Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross vs. Sonya Deville and Mandy Rose
Before the #1 contender’s match had started we had to sit through another segment with Otis and Mandy Rose.
This time around he asked her out on a date for next Friday, to which she explained that she was busy that night but was free the following weekend.
Which means we’ve got at least another fortnight of this crap to have to swallow.
This sent my Bull-Honky senses off the charts and I was so convinced that he’d get involved in the upcoming bout that I was all ready to break out Alert #2, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t actually let these wrestlers wrestle without any outside interference.
In doing so we got a pretty decent fight, which is all the evidence I need to prove that Alexa Bliss, Nikki Cross, and Sonya Deville have been totally wasted over the last couple of months.
These three women should be fighting for titles, but instead, they’ve fallen victim to Vince McMahon’s wacky sense of humor and as the SmackDown Women’s Title picture is desperately in need of some star power then you’ve got to wonder if the company ever really has long-term plans going forward.
In the end, Mandy Rose would be on the receiving end of a Twisted Bliss and Alexa and Nikki would become the new #1 Contender’s, but this whole situation has been handled so badly I found it hard to get overly excited about it.
Winners And New #1 Contenders: Alexa Bliss And Nikki Cross
WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Braun Strowman vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
I’ve got to admit that I was surprised that this title match didn’t happen at the Royal Rumble.
I would’ve thought that it would’ve at least gotten on to the pre-show, but instead, we had to sit through Sheamus vs. Chad Gable, and that wasn’t a complete waste of everyone’s time now was it?
That aside, the Rumble’s loss was our gain as The Monster Among Men picked up the win and his first-ever championship within the WWE and it’s about damn time.
Here is a man who was groomed for greatness, but for whatever reason, whether it was because of his attitude or the fact he pissed off Brrrrrrrrrock Lesnar as the rumor mill seems to think, it never quite happened.
Yet last night he defeated The King of Strong Style and all was finally right in the wrestling world.
There’s a lot of good to be taken away from this.
First off, with the Intercontinental belt around Braun’s very large waist, it’s going to give this secondary championship a huge shot in the arm.
With Bray Wyatt/The Fiend being used sparingly, then SmackDown needs to have a strap that can be defended week in, week out, and that’s exactly what I expect from Strowman, to be a fighting champion.
I can see him taking on all comers and it’s going to take someone special to rip it away from him, possibly a promotion from NXT like Keith Lee as I can’t think of anyone on the current roster who could do it.
Secondly, and I really don’t want to count my chickens before they’re hatched here, it looks as if this feud is over.
As Sami Zayn and his cronies were giving a backstage interview they were interrupted by Elias who was out in the ring, strumming his guitar.
By continually playing over Zayn’s rantings, it finally became too much for the former Underdog from the Underground and he sent Cesaro out to take care of business.
It didn’t work and Elias whupped the Swiss Cyborg’s ass and if this doesn’t see this faction in a brand new program with The Drifter, then I’ll buy a Mandy Rose t-shirt.
And eat it.
Winner And New Intercontinental Champion: Braun Strowman
Sheamus vs. Chad Gable
Before the bell, I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea.
By the time I came back, Sheamus had Brogue Kicked Gable and picked up the win.
F*ck this feud.
I said in this week’s NXT review that there are only two reasons that I’d comment on a promo.
That’s if they’re so terrible they’d make Britt Baker blush, or they’re so fantastic that you can hear Stone Cold cracking open a cold one and raising a toast.
This was neither, which just proves I’m a dirty, dirty liar.
But it’s not the promo between Bayley and Naomi I’m interested in here, but the inevitable program they’re now locked in for the SmackDown Women’s Championship.
Truthfully? Well, I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.
On the plus side, it means that Lacey Evens is out of the title picture for the foreseeable future which is great as far as I’m concerned but on the negative side I’m not sure that this is going to be much better.
This has nothing to do with their ability to go in the ring, as I’m a big fan of both in that regards, but is more to do with the heel version of Bayley, I’m just not convinced that it’s working.
Time will tell here and maybe, just maybe, Naomi will be the one to bring out the bastard side of the former hugger.
Or it could be as painful to watch as a Nia Jax match.
Vince McMahon Bull-Honky Alert #2
Take a good long look at the picture above.
Now tell me, are you 12?
Then I doubt your face is beaming with as much glee as The Usos and Roman Reigns is.
It’s hard enough explaining to non-wrestling fans just why you enjoy watching grown men in tights throw each other around in a predetermined competition, but you can get away with it if you pick and choose the kind of matches that you’re willing to share.
Yet, if any of them sat down with you to watch the crap that ended this week’s SmackDown, I’m pretty sure they now hate you more than they did before the show.
This whole thing could’ve easily been avoided if they’d just ended the feud at the Royal Rumble like they used to do, but instead, we had to watch as King Corbin ended up covered in goddamn dog food.
And he didn’t even eat any of it either.
The whole stipulation was Loser Eats Dog Food and yet when push came to shove, they just poured it over him.
Sometimes wrestling just makes me want to cry.
I loved this week’s episode of SmackDown.
Just kidding, it was shite.
From a wrestling standpoint, it was pretty solid, with nearly every match delivering at least a passable 10 minutes between the ropes, and the fact that Braun Strowman won his first-ever title made me very happy, but I just can’t forgive the goddamn dog food.
I found myself wondering if I’d slipped through a crack in the space-time continuum and had been deposited back in 1999, as that’s where this kind of garbage belongs, but after checking my calendar it’s still 2020 and this breaks my wrestling heart.
There’s just no need for it and the company has to stop pandering to the insane musing of a senile old bastard, or it will undo all the good work that it’s managed to put together over the past few weeks.
This wasn’t how I wanted my wrestling week to end, ranting and raving about a g*ddamn dog food match, but I can only review what the company puts in front of me and what they put in front of me was a goddamn dog food match.
When you find yourself actually looking forward to the Lana/Bobby Lashley segment that will no doubt carry on on Monday Night RAW, then you really have hit rock-bottom.