Welcome to my WWE Raw Review: Feb 3rd. Sometimes, the WWE makes it hard to like their product.
If last week’s SmackDown wasn’t bad enough with its use of goddamn dog food, then Monday night’s RAW just took that ball and ran with it.
What’s even worse, though, is that the poor souls who had to stomach this garbage had to drive through a huge blizzard just to be there, and what did they get for their troubles?
A lot of pointless talking.
This week’s RAW Review isn’t going to be pleasant, but it still has to be done.
So let’s lace up our boots and make our way very, very slowly to the ring…
Vince McMahon Bull-Honky Alert #1
It took 14 minutes for Randy Orton to make his way out to the ring and say absolutely nothing.
Oh, wait, my mistake, he did say;
I can’t do this”
But it took him 14 bloody minutes to do so.
I get it, he’s “conflicted” about his actions but come on.
I would’ve had far more respect for him and this entire segment if he’d come out and said “Edge eliminated me from the Royal Rumble, he had it coming”, but to waste so long on just getting to the point of saying nothing is an insult to anyone who had to sit through this.
And it was only the beginning.
Vince McMahon Bull-Honky Alert #2
When it started, this storyline swallowed up Rusev and Bobby Lashley in its gaping maw.
Then it devoured the soul of poor Liv Morgan.
And now it’s sharpened its teeth and sunk them into a returning Ruby Riott.
Will it never end?
After another pointless match between Lana and Liv, which Liv won because Lana can’t wrestle, Riott’s music hit and the crowd went wild.
This leads me to believe that those in attendance either have no idea how wrestling works or were so happy to be out of the cold that they couldn’t have cared less.
There was only one way this was going to end, with the leader of the Riott Squad giving a beat down to her one-time friend and that’s just what happened.
If Lana hadn’t finished this off by picking the bones I’d have been willing to give it a pass, as at least that would’ve suggested that Liv would be heading into a program with Ruby, but as soon as I realized that the Ravishing Russian, who doesn’t even have a bloody Russian accent anymore, was still stood in the ring, laughing, then I knew that this goddamn abomination of a program was going to roll on, with another victim jammed in its jaws.
Vince McMahon Bull-Honky Alert #3
I like Drew McIntyre.
I’m convinced that he’s going to walk out of Wrestlemania the new WWE Champion, dethroning Brrrrrrrrock Lesnar in the process, but having already had to swallow half an hour’s worth of crap by this point, the last thing I needed was another bloody talking segment.
Just look at the accompanying photo to this entry.
Drew said that when he was done on the mic he’d beat Mojo in three seconds and, true to his word, that’s what he did.
He didn’t even bother taking his coat off, which should tell you all you need to know about how pointless this whole exercise was and just where Rawley is in the WWE pecking order.
But don’t worry Mojo, I saw someone in the audience holding a sign that said “Mojo’s Only Fan” so at least someone out there likes you.
Unless they were talking about the monkey from the Powerpuff Girls.
6 Man Elimination Tag-Team Match: Kevin Owens and The Viking Raiders vs. Buddy Murphy and The Authors of Pain
And just like that, over 30 minutes into this week’s episode of RAW, a wrestling match broke out.
Thank God for Kevin Owens, The Viking Raiders, Buddy Murphy, and The Authors of Pain as they finally reminded me why I put myself through this sort of punishment nine hours a week, not including PPVs and specials, by giving us a pretty decent match.
To be honest, they could’ve just sat in the ring playing cards for 15 minutes and I would’ve given it a better rating than all the rubbish that had come before it, combined, but they did more than that and went to work.
It eventually became a 3 on 1, after both Viking Raiders had been eliminated, Erik to a pinfall after sneaky Seth had curb-stomped him and Ivar to a self-inflicted injury (kayfabe of course) when he tried to squish Rezar against the LED board, only for the AOP member to move out of the way.
KO put in a valiant effort, managing to get it down to a 1 on 1 between himself and Rezar but it’d all be for naught as he’d find himself losing 1-2-3.
Strangely, there was no beat-down after the bell, and considering that both Rollins and Rezar were left standing tall, I was expecting Owens to get a stomping, but no.
Also, did anyone else notice the Monday Night Messiah doing the thumb out, Buddy Christ pose from Kevin Smith’s Dogma as they headed out to the ring at the start of all this?
Winners: Buddy Murphy And AOP
Vince McMahon Bull-Honky Alert #4
Remember how excited we all were when Eric Young joined the WWE?
Remember how we predicted huge things for him, especially in NXT where Sanity seemed to gain a decent amount of traction?
Yeah, well, he’s now being jobbed out to Aleister Black in around five minutes.
After this…whatever it was…Aleister Black rambled on about some dark mystic mumbo jumbo and has now become the odds on favorite to be the next Bray Wyatt.
No, not The Fiend Bray Wyatt, but the one who talks absolute bollocks each week.
Vince McMahon Bull-Honky Alert #5
So it seems that if you break the WWE Wellness Policy, it’s not only you that get’s punished but whatever poor sod you happen to be in a feud with at the time.
That can be the only explanation of what went down here on Monday Night RAW.
After Andrade had been slapped on the wrists and told to go home and think about what he had done for the next 30 days, I was kind of curious to see what they’d do?
Would they strip him of the title and have a triple threat or a fatal four-way to crown a new champion?
Maybe we’d get a ladder match to see who’d be carrying the United States belt from here on out, at least until he returns?
Nope, none of the above.
Instead, we had the increasingly annoying, X-Pac heat levels of annoying, Zelina Vegas make her way out to confront Humberto over his actions last week, with his cousin Angel Garcia in tow.
“Okay” I thought “At least we’re going to get a fight..oh wait, he’s on the end of a beatdown.”
I don’t care that Rey Mysterio came out to make the save, I don’t care that he then went mano-a-mano with Angel Garcia in a passable match.
What I care about is that nearly every part of this week’s RAW was f*cking awful.
And why is Humberto being taken out of action?
Unless he was the one that slipped Andrade whatever substance he took to get told off, then there is no reason to write him out of the show.
He’s going to lose whatever momentum he built up since his return, and all because the guy he was about to face in what should’ve been one of the hottest feuds going into Wrestlemania either stuck something up his nose, in his lungs or his arm.
Rhea Ripley/Charlotte Promo
When Charlotte didn’t show up on NXT last Wednesday, I was convinced that the reason was that she was going to challenge for the tag-team titles at Wrestlemania.
Five days later and we now know just how little I understand wrestling, but you know what, I’m fine with that.
I wasn’t initially sure that this was something I wanted to see at the Show of Shows, but now these two have been face to face in the ring, I’ve got to admit that it’s the kind of match-up that might just steal the entire PPV.
Nothing is official yet, as Charlotte is scheduled to appear on NXT this week to confirm what we can all pretty much guess is going to happen, and it does spoil any tension you may have going into upcoming PPVs knowing that Ripley is going to be NXT Women’s Champion no matter what, come Wrestlemania, in the way Brrrrrock Lesnar isn’t dropping the belt until then either, but the amount of validity it will give to this title, especially if Ripley walks out with the win as I suspect she will, could be just what NXT needs to be seen as a standalone brand.
Bring it on, I say.
Asuka vs. Natalya
Considering that I’ve spent this entire review complaining bout the lack of wrestling on the show, it’s what happened after this match that I’m more interested in than the actual bout itself.
Don’t get me wrong, both Asuka and Natalya put in a great performance that would see the Empress Of Tomorrow pick up the win, but when it was all over she called out Becky Lynch, demanding a re-match for the RAW Women’s Championship.
The Man answered the call, said yes, and that’s the match that we’ve got heading into the next week’s RAW.
I have no idea what’s going to happen here.
Either Asuka wins and Becky has to chase her to Wrestlemania to win her title back or Lynch retains and someone new comes out of the woodwork to challenge her, but whatever way they decide to go they need to do it quickly, as there’s only the Elimination Chamber to go before Apr. 5 and currently, The Man’s dance card is empty that night.
Vince McMahon Bull Honky Alert #6
Is it harsh of me to Bull-Honky this?
After all the three men involved put on a good enough match, so maybe I’m just being a grumpy old bastard?
First off, Seth Rollins decided we hadn’t had enough talking to last us a lifetime so after his introduction, he decided to ramble on some more.
Now, normally I’m always happy to listen to Evil Seth talk but by now I just wanted to jam sharpened pencil’s into my ears to save me from any more musings by WWE Superstars, no matter how entertaining they usually are.
Secondly, the Main Event got a total of 10 minutes to do its thing.
4 minutes less than it took Randy Orton to wander down to the ring and say nothing.
Thirdly, it wouldn’t have mattered if The Rock, Stone Cold, and The Undertaker had been in this match, whoever picked up the win isn’t going to go to Saudi Arabia and return as WWE Champion.
It ain’t gonna happen.
Brrrrrrrrrock Lesnar will have the belt in his tight grasp until Wrestlemania, where he will drop it to Drew McIntrye, so thanks for playing Ricochet and we hope you like squash matches.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
I thought we were getting past this sort of thing, WWE, but the first opportunity you got you reverted to type, and just crapped all over any goodwill you’d managed to build up over the past few months.
SmackDown was terrible, so you needed to pull something out of the bag to make it seem like you cared about the loyal fans, and me, who follow you through thick and thin, but instead you just decided to hell with it and served up such a steaming pile of crap, I’m surprised it didn’t melt the snow that had covered all of Salt Lake City.
You are so lucky that you have NXT and NXT UK in your arsenal or I would dump your ass faster than Cena did Bella after they got engaged but don’t keep pushing your luck or I swear to God, pow, boom, straight to the moon.